Suzie

How do I begin to explain this, 
How close you are…you’re right here
Somehow to think of you in the past
Doesn’t explain how right now…I feel you so near

I used to come to your house
And if I could make you laugh it made my day
I knew that was all I was meant to do
We were trying to be friends in a way

We were the same age, are the same age
Not young enough to feel invincible I’d say
But not old in any way, just old enough
To know all that could be taken away

You saw me pregnant, you saw me happy
You were happy too, reaching remission maybe
So no more visits for you
And I stayed home with the new baby

I was planning to bring her around the house
To meet you finally, and in our own time
Start the friendship we were meant to have
Take a deep breath together and sit in the sunshine

I went back to work and there you were
On my visit list, but you weren’t supposed to be there
I didn’t even get to bring the baby around
If you’re on my list you must be sick and it’s just not fair

I texted you to set up your visit time
I couldn’t get on the phone and I told you why
I said, “I can’t talk on the phone right now because I’m crying”
You said, “It’s okay I’m crying too”, and together we cried

And when I came to the house I made you laugh again
You looked different now, tired and thin
You were hopeful for a new treatment
The hope felt heavy this time or was it a burden, not to give in

Everything was different this time
You were in pain, you were anxious and scared
You had an infection so treatment was delayed
This time was different, I wasn’t prepared

At this point I’d seen death before
Not this way per say, not so unwelcome and so slow
You didn’t seem ready to die and you didn’t let go
This death can’t be described, it’s not a tv show

The final admission to the hospital
My husband was working there
He took care of you too, he loved you because I loved you
And I was relieved a little, that at least he was there

And you were texting me from your bed
I told you, “I’m sorry this really sucks”
I wish I had brought the baby around
I wish I had been a better friend, fuck!

And then my husband delivered the news
Gently, as if a family member had passed
And you’re sister invited me to the funeral
And I worked and didn’t come…and now it’s in the past

And I thought of you deeply everyday
I cried at any given time, I guess mourning
Stood in my kitchen crying and mad at myself
And I guess mourning

And then suddenly, there you were, right there
Warmth flooded my body like soaking in a warm tub…
And like a big warm hug
It was you, it was Love

Like everything I’ve ever known
I know you were right here, not from above
Not far away, not in my mind
But in that whole feeling of Love

An now here we are still, we are the same age
I can feel you near, and hear this beautiful sound
My kids laughing… or crying
It’s all the same beautiful sound!

You’re surely my friend today
Until the day they lay my body in the ground
And then we can meet…in our own time…
And I’ll bring the baby around.